While I start realizing this dream of me, I hardly find the words to begin with. As I was on the way to this cafe I’m sitting right now, I knew what my purpose is and what I want to say in this text I will share with the half world later. Now as I stare at a white page, thousand possible questions and affirmations attack my mind: why do you want to do this? Don’t be that ‚sensitive’, don’t care.. live your life.. Nobody cares about what you want to talk! People want to live and hear beautiful and funny things.. You will go under in the crowd anyway..
But, thanks God, these are the last viruses of an old system – I am fully on my way to integrate a new system in my body, mind and soul…
Of course, I want to share, because I am a human. Of course, I am sensitive, I care and want to enjoy my life, as I want this for everyone on the Earth. And for sure, there are other sensitive people who care and will hear my voice as I have heard them. During all that time I have felt lost and lonely, though there have always been friends I could talk to, I have been led by words many times.. silent, written words from near and far distances and times reached me to show I am never alone. Many times, I’ve heard Rumi, Hafiz, ibn Arabi and many others saying ‚I know, I’ve been there.. come, I’ll show you the way’. Many times I couldn’t be sure if I wrote these or those words and cried out of thankfulness because it took so much burden out of my soul: I am neighter crazy, nor alone. That wisdom in the books, ancient poems or digital blog posts from now.. there must be something more behind all these.. like a soundless whisper we all hear in ourselves. And I know I have always been led to them. The answers we seek are already there where we are, right in front of our eyes, in ourselves but then sometimes when ‚things are so obvious, it’s hard to see them’..
The truth is, most (probably all) of us live behind walls. I mean those thousand changing walls in our hearts and minds which nowadays also manifest in material forms between defined borders, as we observe globally. I don’t want to judge anyone nor myself, as we are somehow pushed to live that way but I think we can open our eyes to see there is more behind the curtains. If life can be seen as a show, remember there is always a backstage where masks and make-ups fall. As I did this, I saw many disturbing images in my life; the most unexpected scary and ugly images appeared one by one. It was and still is a tough work to recover, let’s say from this trauma. That’s why it is so hard for me to write, because it’s so much about showing my own vulnerability to the outer world which is just another reflection of me, as well. But everytime I look at myself in the mirror nowadays, with all my wounds and fractures in my soul, all the folds in my face and hairs which are turning more and more from black to white everyday, I see my real beauty. My inner and outer beauty.. I am becoming such a beautiful woman, I am becoming that woman I have always been dreaming of.. I am already that woman I have been longing for such a long time..
Well, my purpose is not to present how beautiful I am, which will probably happen from time to time, as well, because I love myself and moreover I am a Leo 🙂 I want to talk about many difficulties I’ve been through, my realizations during those and how I try to heal and recover. Because I think this can give more courage and motivation to some of you, as well. There might arise a question: „have you been sick?“ Yes. And no. It depends on which definition and perspective you choose. From a narrow perspective, one could say, I felt weak, couldn’t deal with my responsibilities here on Earth, and name various psychotic sicknesses: depression, paranoia, schizophrenia, … From a quite different perspective, which has just revealed itself to me, I was so courageous and full of life to jump into the depths.. depths of heavens, depths of the darknesses, depths of imagination, mind and emotions. I traveled a lot without sometimes even moving myself. Indeed, I was so courageous enough to face my higher self and purpose, my fears, my faults and imperfections and get drown in my own tears and screams which could never come out. Opening to a new world, while being surrounded with old patterns leads to much confusion and conflict. I was ashamed and afraid of talking about what I’ve been through. I simply was feeling God everywhere but couldn’t see Her anywhere. Have I indeed lost my mind? I experienced any opposites at the same time, which was terrific yet so fascinating and releasing if I could look through them.
Actually I won’t tell anything else than which we already know, read and heard uncountable times: let go.. you will find anything in yourself. And the one and only destination you can ever find and reach will be the LOVE. Don’t think of me I’m already ‚there’; I am not, nor do I know where this ‚there’ is. I still sometimes feel myself in a never-ending circle, ‚Teufelskreis’ as we say in german, which means devil’s circle. Don’t think of me as if I’m a lovely, loveful person, I am not; not there yet… But i am learning every day and sometimes I get the bliss to sense this ‘there’. Every morning I open my eyes, it’s the same unknown, the same process to maintain my new system, cause it requires much care and debugging. Simply because it’s more sensitive and attractive!
Now that I see and accept all my faults and imperfections and know nothing is actually under my control but in Her hands, I feel a huge release. I am delivered. I love myself despite anything; love my faults, love the things I have no impact on, like my destiny, love my given beauty, love the grandmother in me.. I trust. I hope. I learn patience. I am dead yet new born, full yet empty, ready to be filled, open to be redesigned, re-coloured, redefined. I bow myself in front of Myself.
As I am writing these words, I get the news that my grandmother has just passed away who has been suffering from leukemia for some months. I can hardly believe, cannot realize it is true.. She and her pain have also been a symbol to me for our sufferings which come from lack of love and from then on, I realized it is my heart which needs and wants to open. So healing of my heart would be her healing.. today she’s gone and I made another step to come to life.. one of the things I’ve also learned is that healing and opening hurts.. a lot. I close my eyes, listen to the silence and hear another crack just falling down to the floor..
May the Grandmother, with whom the little me has the most sweetest memories, rest in peace..