There is a girl in the bakery where I mostly buy my coffee and blueberry muffins. Everytime I stand in front of the cash desk, I see her looking at me with an expression she is probably not aware of but I know very well. She looks at me as if I was so unreachable.. Well, there might also be some truth in this but not in terms how she would see it. She wonders who I am. She is curious. And so attentive, too! Sometimes she is asking me questions out of this curiosity and surprises me with details which I am not aware of. I feel it, her voice is impulsive yet shy. Not sure if this goes too far and she continues working impulsively again..
I indeed enjoy these small talks a lot. This shows me I’m already a local there. People know me, because everyday I buy my coffee or my bread there. I don’t even need to mention, they know what kind of coffee I drink. They even know that I love blueberry muffins. I appreciate these little but big details colouring our days.
One of those days, a really nice and sunny winter Sunday, after I bought my coffee there, I went for a walk in the forest and thought a lot about her and many other things.
When I look at this girl, I see myself, who is meanwhile quite far away from me. The times where you feel there is a river inside you and it wants to flow but you just cannot respond to it. You look at those women and feel so excited to get to know them because they have something making them so beautiful, and fascinating and yes! you want to be one of those women! But you just look at them without knowing you have the same seed in you which brings all these wonders and dreams on to your path..
When I look at her, I see her purity. She is indeed so beautiful in her pale uniform. I wonder how much she can truly see that. She doesn’t know that I admire her, too. She doesn’t know that I have been there and that I watch the same scenes again now. She doesn’t even know that I was thinking about selling breads (‘Semmeln’ in Viennese German) lately, because it was one of the few things which made sense to me to earn some money. I might have wished to be in her position for a second full of despair in my life. I want to tell her so many things, but don’t know where to connect..
I compare ourselves with the trees in this forest. I walked this path countless times, did a lot ‘silent forestbathings’ in the last months, but this is the first winter walk, so I see all those places in their whole nakedness. It is a strange feeling to experience this, yet this forest, this sacred path of mine, sends me back home with great lessons and clarity each time. I observe life and death standing, holding to each other just by observing this nature itself. And it teaches me a new language, the language of all-things, which I just started to understand and to translate.
I observe the naked trees, which now are revealing another kind of beauty to the eye. I haven’t ever realized that they have eyes, too! Now that the leaves of the old season left, they are unveiled.. It seems like they stood strong during the freeze and now they are shining under the winter sun. I start seeing their wisdom in their nakedness..
Sometimes the earth beneath my feet is muddy, sticky and slippy and I need to struggle to go through the path. I need to get my shoes dirty to reach my destination..
And now the earth is covered with white snow but another traces appear for those who might see the reflection.
The water is frozen yet still flowing in little streams for those who might feel the circulation..
We are not much different than each other.. Neighter the humans, nor anything alive out there. Even than those who we dislike or ignore. I feel a huge bridge between this girl and me, yet we still live in our bubbles, which make us so unreachable to each other. If we manage to remember all the points connecting us, we might hopefully see there are no bubbles but just tunnels and bridges.
Then on the way back, I saw a wooden plate, which was not lying there before, saying “Versöhnt uns” in german, which I can translate as: “let’s reconcile / unite / make peace with each other.”
My last words for this post is simple: I recommend silent walks in the nature to everyone. Surely, there are countless signs for anyone, who observe the nature. We can copy-paste countless patterns out there into our lives, if we could only reflect.. Sometimes you find your answers under the mud, sometimes you are the reflecting water.. It might sometimes feel childish to ‘think so small’ and challenging to endure silence and loneliness but you decide after that clarity whether you want to be a ‘child’ or a ‘grown-up’. 🙂